“Max, I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.. You torture my existence. This is so wrong. You’re stupid.”
“I’m fearless.”
“With you, the two are synonymous.”
* * *
Toru strolled the empty halls of Asahikawa Hospital’s western wing. The bluish glow of the fluorescent lights reflected off of his security guard equipment. The night watch was long, lonely and uneventful. Toru loved it.
He headed back to the security office for a snack break. It was 2:30a.m, which meant only three hours remained on his quiet, relaxing shift. Sitting in his chair, Toru pulled out the bento that his girlfriend had prepared for him. He leaned back and ate leisurely as he viewed the many security camera TV screens.
Something caught his attention. Or rather, nothing caught his attention, for screen 17 was black. Toru checked the camera operating board. He ran his fingers down along the indicator lights:
ON – CAMERA 14 DELIVERY WARD RECEPTION DESK
ON – CAMERA 15 DELIVERY WARD HALL A
ON – CAMERA 16 DELIVERY WARD HALL B
ON – CAMERA 17 DELIVERY WARD BABY ROOM
That’s strange, Toru thought. The camera was on but the screen was black? He picked up the phone and dialed the reception desk.
“moshi moshi. Sato Rie desu.”
“Hello, Sato-san. It’s Toru from security. There seems to be a problem with the camera in the baby room. You haven’t seen or heard anything suspicious, have you?”
Rie Sato replied in her sweet, calm, perfect for the baby ward voice, “Nope, everything’s been fine all night.”
“Alright, I’m just going to come down to take a look at the camera.” Toru took another bite from his bento box, set down his chopsticks, and headed out towards the baby ward.
* * *
Max stepped down off the stool and admired his handy work. Wrapped around the security camera lens was a sheet of black construction paper held in place by a rubber band.
“I love this stealth stuff.”
After checking again to make sure that no one was coming, Patrick stepped away from the large, wide viewing window. “Let’s just get this over with.”
“Relax, Patrick. Look at the clock. It’s 2:25 a.m.”
“Babies are a 24 hour a day job, Max. Sure, there’s way less staff on the night shift, but there’s still staff.”
“Well then, stop blabbering and let’s get this done.” Max picked up the lunchbox cooler that he and Patrick had packed with ice and brought it over to the first hospital crib. Patrick joined him. “Look at this cute little fellow. He’s a little bundle of naked, wrinkly joy, eh Patrick?
“What’s his name? Hmm, says here, Kishi Takayuki. Well, Takayuki, you’re about to help us in the fight against bizarre, abnormal and vicious creature phenomena.” The baby’s mouth stretched wide in a big, little yawn. “Aww, he’s so cute.”
Patrick stared wide-eyed and appalled at Max. “H-how can you say things like that?”
“Ssh! Keep your voice down, Patrick,” Max whispered. “What do you mean?”
Patrick whispered back fiercely, “Is there something wrong with you? Are you truly detached from what you’re about to do? Maybe you could try being a little more serious before you c-cu-… remove appendages from an innocent baby!”
“I’m not removing anything, you are.” Max handed Patrick pruning clippers from his utility belt. Then he gently lifted Takayuki from the crib and cradled him in his arms. “Now, I’m going to start with the whisker rub. That way, the healing process will start right away and the baby shouldn’t feel any pain, he probably won’t even wake up.”
“Shouldn’t?!”
“Patrick! Stealth voice!”
“Shouldn’t,” Patrick repeated in a hoarse whisper. “You mean you don’t know?”
“Well, this is all just a theory. I’ve never tried it before. But even if it doesn’t work quite like that, he’ll only be in pain for a couple seconds before the healing powers of the whisker rub kick in. Do it for the Team, Patrick.”
“I can’t.”
“Patrick, you are the Baby Eater. If there are no babies around during a battle, then things become really difficult. That’s why we’re here. Remember? If we keep some baby fingers on ice, then you’ll have no problem accessing your powers when you need them.”
“Yeah, but that’s also only a theory. We don’t know anything about the technicalities of how my power works. We don’t know if eating these, uhh, items so long after removal will still work?”
“Well, we won’t know unless we try!”
“I don’t like the ethical implications!”
“These babies are going to be free of diseases for the rest of their lives!”
“But cutting off baby fingers is wrong!”
“Patrick!”
“Max!”
“Do it!”
“No!”
The sound of booted footsteps began to drift down the hall. Patrick and Max instantly stopped bickering. “Oh, shit!” Patrick dropped to the floor. Max gently laid the baby back down and joined Patrick on the floor. They scuttled along the floor like cockroaches towards the display window, leaning low against the wall where the glass met the sill so as not to be seen.
“Shit, shit, shit.”
“Get a hold of yourself. We’ll be fine.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re stupid.”
“Fearless!”
Toru peered into the dark baby room through the large viewing window as he walked by. Everything appeared to be fine. He made his way around the corner towards the entrance.
Max and Patrick heard the door slowly open. Patrick’s eyes widened. Max signaled for Patrick to keep quiet.
Toru gently closed the door, making sure not to awaken the sleeping babies. He took a quick look around. All was quiet. Then he turned to his left to examine the camera. Upon seeing the construction paper around the lens, Toru locked the door to the room.
“I’ve seen the camera. I’ve locked the door and I’m not moving from in front of it. You can’t leave this room. You can either show yourselves now, or we can wait for a few more hours until the day staff arrives.”
Max turned his head so that his face was only a few inches from Patrick’s. He spoke so quietly that only Patrick could hear. “What did he say?”
“Something about seeing the camera and that we can’t leave. And something about waiting for a few hours.”
“Shit! Okay, follow my lead.”
Patrick lowered his head and sighed inwardly.
Max stood up. “Patrick, this isn’t the train station. Do you have the tourist map on you? Where are we? Excuse me, sir, do you speak English? We – are – looking – for – the – station.” He started calmly walking towards the security guard.
Toru, momentarily caught by surprise upon seeing two foreign men standing in the baby room of Asahikawa Hospital, quickly regained his composure and stood his ground. “Stop! Yes, I speak English. And I’m not stupid.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re not stupid, because we really need to know how to get to the station.”
Patrick, who had positioned himself along the opposite wall from the viewing window and thus directly in line with the door and the security guard, stared incredulously at Max.
Toru was unfazed. “You guys aren’t going anywhere.”
“Alright, you wanna play hardball? Unlock that door and step outside or I’ll kill this baby.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“You’re not in a position to test me. Now do it.”
Toru had no choice. He did as Max demanded. Once he saw the two men near the door, he bolted off towards the reception desk to call the police. Patrick and Max looked at each other for a moment. Then Max raised his arm and shouted, “To the Ravalanche!”
Before Toru could finish dialing the police, he saw the two men racing out the door. The shorter of the two yelled out gomen nasai as they fled.
* * *
“So you didn’t complete the mission,” Lisa said.
“Well we would have if Patrick hadn’t been so wishy-washy about the whole thing,” Fearless Leader responded. He and his Team of Freaks had assembled at their favourite place to dine, Pingu.
Patrick sat at the table with his chin resting on his hand, idly watching the sushi go round the conveyer track. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That was a close one,” said Nik, as he wiped a few beads of sweat from his lovely, bare head. “You guys have such exciting lives. I wish I could join your team.” Nik and Susannah, good friends of the Team, had joined them for dinner.
“Sorry, but you need a special, preferably freakish, power.”
“I’m bald. Look how shiny my head is. I could blind the enemy..”
“Have you ever been able to blind someone before?”
“Well… no,” Nik sheepishly replied.
“Well then, sorry, Nik.”
Lisa changed the subject. “How are you feeling, Susannah? The last I talked to you, you were really sick.”
“Yeah, last week I had some sort of flu bug or something,” Susannah replied. “I couldn’t keep anything inside me. Everything I ate kept bursting out from both directions. It was a nightmare. I feel good now. But it’s strange because it’s like it’s still lingering just a little bit, even though I don’t feel unhealthy in the slightest. I can’t really explain it.”
“Well,” said Patrick, “I’m stuffed. How about everyone else?”
“Filled to the brim,” said Susannah. Everyone felt that they’d met their sushi quota for the night. Max signaled to the staff that they were finished and the beautiful Yahagi-san came over and gave them the bill.
They stepped outside to say their goodnights when they were interrupted by the screams of terrified people running through the streets.
“Smells like trouble,” said Lisa.
“Indeed it does, Captain Long Legs. Indeed it does. Alright, Team, let’s go!” Baby Eater and Captain Long-Legs followed Fearless Leader in the direction the people were running from.
Nik turned to Susannah. “Wanna follow them, see them in action?”
“Yeah, that sounds awesome.” Nik and Susannah ran after the Team of Freaks.
They arrived at the scene of the commotion. In the area of the Engaru bus station, havoc was being wreaked by a group of Nose Goblins. Their slender but strong green bodies allowed them to leap around and cling to the sides of buildings. But their most bizarre and freakish quality was their disproportionate head size. Their bodies were taller and stronger than a human’s body, but their heads were three times the size. They had humanoid noses that were larger than a man’s fist and a mouth that was a foot across which contained broad, square teeth – teeth used for crushing.
“This is just weird,” said Patrick. “Any ideas, Fearless Leader?”
“Hmm. Well, not yet. I need to get a better idea of their strength. I’ll be right back.” Fearless Leader charged into an unsuspecting Nose Goblin who was giving chase to a young Japanese boy. The creature went tumbling but then rolled upright and leapt at Max all in one motion. Max was then flung back to the feet of Patrick and Lisa. His voice a bit wheezy from having the wind knocked out of him, Max said, “They’re strong.”
“They look incredibly agile, too,” added Lisa. “Let me give it a shot. Moose-legs growth!” Lisa’s legs grew to the size of a moose’s.. She ran and jumped to kick one of the Nose Goblins who was hanging on the side of the bus station. But the creature was too swift and merely leapt out of the way. Captain Long-Legs landed and quickly chased after it, closing the distance thanks to her long legs.
Another Nose Goblin saw Lisa chasing after its comrade. It snorted in deeply through its incredibly large nose. Then it began to move its mouth around as if chewing gum.
“Sick! What the hell is it doing? Lisa, be careful,” Max shouted. The Nose Goblin then spat out a sticky, slimy, basketball sized, green wad of phlegm. The snotball splattered around Lisa’s ankles, entangling them and causing her to tumble to the ground.
“Nasty! That thing just hocked a giant loogie on me!”
The Nose Goblin that Lisa was chasing turned and leapt high into the air. Lisa managed to kick off the binding mucous and roll out of the way as the Nose Goblin came crashing down. She then kicked out with her powerful moose-legs and sent the Nose Goblin crashing into one of the buses.
Lisa ran back to Patrick and Max. “Patrick, we need your strength. What’s the baby status?”
“Sorry, Lisa, there are no babies around here. I don’t know what we’re going to do. Fearless Leader, what have you formulated?”
“Well, they’re obviously really strong and incredibly agile. They also have that absolutely disgusting but incredibly interesting snot, spitting thing going on. But there’s something else. Have you noticed whom they’ve been chasing around? People with snacks. See?”
A man ran by with a bag of chips followed closely by a Nose Goblin. Lisa gave it a spinning roundhouse kick to the face, sending it flying backwards across the street into the brick wall of a hotel.
“They’re not even paying much attention to us unless we attack them directly. They are completely obsessed with the smells of snacks. It’s those huge noses. I have a plan, but we need more people to pull it off. I don’t think any of these people are brave enough to help.”
Nik and Susannah, who had been watching everything from nearby, came running over. “We’ll help,” said Nik, smiling broadly.
“Awesome. Okay, Patrick, you run to the nearest convenience store and get as many chocolate bars and bags of chips as you can. The rest of us, we need to distract these shnoz-monsters to let these people get to safety. That means some psychological tactics. I’ve written down some insults for everyone to use to draw their attention. Now, there’s four of them and four of us, so pick a goblin and start hurling insults. Go!” The team dispersed. Patrick raced off to get the snacks.
Lisa was the first to reach her target. She opened up the little sheet that Max had given her. “Okay, let’s see…. Hey! You giant asparagus freak! How’d you develop that sense of smell? Let me guess. It’s from sticking your nose so far up your buddy’s ass that--” The Nose Goblin, enraged, began to chase after Lisa. “That was quick.” Lisa ran around the area, using her speed to keep the goblin just out of reach and continued to insult the creature.
Nik slowly approached a Nose Goblin whose back was facing him. It had knocked out a man and was greedily eating his chips. Nik looked down to double-check the insult that he was holding in his slightly trembling hands and cleared his throat.
“Ahem, hem. There once was a goblin creature / Who had only one feature / He was weaker than shit / And stupid as spit / And couldn’t smell well either.” Nik cursed Max inwardly. There was no way that some stupid poem like that would work. How did these monsters even know English?
Suddenly an enraged Nose Goblin lifted him into the air. His arms were pinned at his sides as the Nose Goblin brought him face to face with it. Nik brought his head back and then slammed it forward into the goblins massive rubbery nose. It dropped Nik to the ground and then became dizzy and collapsed. Nik was surprised to find that his head didn’t even hurt.
Susannah also found herself immobile. After telling her target to go fuck a hornet’s nest, it had whirled around and wrapped its powerful arms around her. Now she was being slobbered on from above.
“Oh sick!” She could feel bile within her building. She struggled fiercely and kicked the beast in its green goblin gonads. It howled and released her. The Nose Goblin bent over and clutched his aching nuts, staring at Susannah with hate. Susannah, feeling the fury of a dragon within her, brought forth and unleashed her rage on the Nose Goblin’s face. She unloaded her sushi supper in a six-foot stream. The goblin dropped to the grown wiping at its eyes trying to clear away the burning vomit. Greenish, acrid steam rose from its eyes. Its eyes hadn’t melted, but they had obviously burned significantly. The Nose Goblin was now blind.
Patrick arrived, panting, carrying four bags of snacks in his hands. He looked at the scene before him. A Nose Goblin was chasing Lisa as she ran around shouting insults. Nik’s Nose Goblin was stumbling around, dizzy. Susannah’s was whimpering and groping through the air, blind. And Max’s… well, it had pinned Max to the ground and was punching him repeatedly in the face and body.
“Max! I’ve got the snacks!”
“Then – ngh – hurry up – ahh – and op – eckgh – open them!!”
Susannah and Nik rushed over to help Patrick open up all the candy bars and chips. Once opened, the Nose Goblins’ sense of smell overtook them and they helplessly charged over to the snacks. Even the blind one had no trouble, guided by its nose.
The Team of Freaks regrouped by Max because he couldn’t get up.
“Max, you look like shit,” Patrick said, helping Max sit up.
“I’ll be fine. Okay Lisa, go over there while they’re distracted and finish them off.”
“Roger that, Fearless Leader.” Lisa ran over and unleashed a kick at one of the Nose Gobins. It caught her by the leg and hurled back towards the Team. She managed to roll out of it, avoiding injury.
“Hmm, looks like they aren’t that distracted,” Max observed. “They’re going to be finished those snacks soon. This is our only opportunity. Any ideas? Susannah, can you vomit on all of them again?”
“I don’t know, I think I used it all up at once.” Suddenly there was a loud, deep rumbling sound.
“What was that?” asked Nik.
“Alright,” Susannah said. “I’ve got an idea. Lisa, get ready.”
Susannah ran over near the group of Nose Goblins who were gluttonously gobbling up the last of the snacks. She stood in front of them about twenty feet away. “Alright you big nasties. Let’s see how your noses handle THIS!” She spun around and pulled down her pants, mooning the bewildered Nose Goblins.
“Now?” Lisa called out, equally bewildered.
“Not yet,” Susannah replied back. There was another loud rumbling and then… KAPOW! A blast of feces exploded from Susannah’s anus. It was a shit canon; it was manure mortar; it was a poopzooka! Crap-flak covered the horrified Nose Goblins. They howled as the sickly stench filled their large nostrils. The creatures became nauseous. Lisa tried to attack, but they were still too agile, even in their current state, to be taken down that way.
“I still can’t get an attack in,” Lisa yelled desperately.
Nick suddenly saw opportunity shining down upon his barren head. Of course, he thought, this is my moment. Now is my time to shine. He ran over to where Susannah had unleashed her fecal force and where she had reluctantly done up her pants without wiping (drastic times call for drastic measures).
“It’s time for you uglies to see the light! Be prepared for sheer brilliance!” Nik widened his stance, squeezed his hands into fists, and grunted. Then he began to yell as he felt power surging through him, “ AaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
At that moment, something miraculous happened. From Nik’s beautiful, bald head, bright, shining, golden strands of hair streamed forth. Thick locks flew through the air towards the Nose Goblins. It surrounded all of them and bound them. The more they struggled, the more entangled they became. A hundred feet of hair ensnared the goblins and was attached to Nik’s head. Everyone stood dumbfounded for a few moments. Then Nik, his mind returning to the task at hand, pulled back with all his might and yanked the Nose Goblins to the ground.
Lisa saw her opportunity. “Elephant-legs growths!” She began to prance around, hopping from goblin head to goblin head, crushing them beneath her feet like giant grapes. The bodies lit up in green flame and burned away into nothingness. No remnants of the creatures remained.
“I HAVE HAIR,” Nik shouted, elated. But at that moment, the strands fell from his head and he was once again left completely bald. “I had hair.” He shed a single tear.
“That’s what makes you a freak, Nik,” Max said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Welcome to the team, both of you.”
* * *
Back at Patrick’s place, the team was trying to come up with good names for the new members.
“Well, I think we can all agree on Susannah’s name, Bile Dragon. Any objections? Susannah?”
“No, Max. I like it. Bile Dragon, chemical weapons expert.”
“Alright, good. But what about for Nik?”
“Well,” Lisa said, “how about Lock Ness Monster. You know, because he has big locks of hair.”
“Okay, any other ideas.”
“How about Balderknot,” said Patrick, “because he’s usually bald, but sometimes not. And then there’s the pun because his hair can create knots. And finally, it sounds kind of like juggernaut, which is really tough.”
“That’s pretty badass. What d’ya think, Nik?”
“Well, I don’t really think juggernaut imagery really suits me. I think I may have thought of one. How about Hairspray? The hair comes ‘spraying’ out of my head and I really like the movie.”
“It’s fine with me. It’s your name, after all. Okay, Bile Dragon and Hairspray, you are now official members of the Team of Freaks. Tomorrow night, we’ll go to Pingu to celebrate.”
“Pingu again?” said Patrick. “We just went to Pingu last night.”
“And?”
“And nothing. I love Pingu. It just sounded too good to be true.”
And when they all went home to sleep, visions of sushi fairies danced in their heads.
